How to Teach Your Child to Think for Themselves
Parents want their children to make good decisions. So naturally, we spend a lot of time telling children what good decisions look like. Put your shoes on. Be nice to your sister. Don’t throw that. Say thank you. Pick up your toys. Share with your friend.
There is nothing wrong with giving children direction. Parents are responsible for creating boundaries, keeping children safe, and helping them learn how to function in the world. But giving a child directions and giving a child opportunities to practice thinking are two different things.
If we want children to eventually think for themselves, they need opportunities to make decisions for themselves. That can begin much earlier than many parents realize. And one of the easiest ways to start may sound almost backward:
Take your child out of the decision.
Instead of asking a young child what they should do, let them make decisions for someone else. Dad is getting dressed and holds up two ties. “Which one should Daddy wear, this one or the red one?” Dad is getting a drink. “Should Daddy use this glass or this mug?” Dinner is finished. “We’re all done eating. What do you think Daddy should do now?”
These are tiny decisions. They may seem almost meaningless. They aren’t. Every one of them gives a child an opportunity to look at a situation, consider possibilities, make a choice, and see what happens next. Most importantly, the child gets to practice making a decision without having to defend themselves.
Take the Pressure Off the Child
Imagine asking a three-year-old, “What should you do when another child takes your toy?” That question may sound reasonable, but suddenly the child is part of the problem.
They may remember what happened yesterday. They may remember getting in trouble. They may wonder what answer Mom wants. They may know the “right” answer without agreeing with it. They may become defensive. They may simply repeat something an adult has told them before.
Now change the question: “Johnny’s friend took his toy. What do you think Johnny should do?”
Something important has changed. It isn’t the child’s toy. It isn’t the child’s behavior being examined. Nobody is judging the child. Johnny has the problem. The child gets to think about it.
That separation can create room for exploration. Maybe Johnny should ask for the toy back. Maybe he should find another toy. Maybe he should get an adult. Maybe he should yell. Maybe he should grab it. Maybe the child says Johnny should put the toy in the refrigerator and never let anyone play with it again.
Wonderful. Now you have something to talk about.
The Wrong Answer May Be the Most Valuable One
Adults are trained to correct children. A child gives an obviously wrong answer, and our instinct is immediate: “No, that’s not right.”
But what happens if we don’t rush to correct it?
Suppose Dad asks, “We’re finished eating. What should Daddy do with his plate?” The child says, “Put it under the bed.”
The traditional response might be, “No, plates go in the kitchen.” Conversation over. The child has been given the answer.
But suppose Dad says, “Okay. Let’s think about that. If Daddy puts his dirty plate under the bed, what might happen?”
Now the answer becomes the beginning of the conversation instead of the end. Could ants find it? Would the room smell? What happens when Dad needs the plate tomorrow? Could the dog find it? Would Mom be happy about a collection of dirty dishes under the bed?
The child might laugh. The child might add another ridiculous possibility. The child might decide putting it under the bed is a terrible idea. Or the child might stubbornly insist that the plate belongs under the bed. That is okay too.
The goal isn’t to force the child toward the answer as quickly as possible. The goal is the thinking that happens along the way.
A wrong answer gives you somewhere to go.
When parents embrace the wrong answer instead of showing disappointment, children learn that ideas are safe to explore. They learn that changing your mind isn’t failure. They learn that one idea can lead to another. They begin discovering cause and effect.
And perhaps most importantly, they don’t have to constantly watch the adult’s face trying to determine whether they have given the answer the adult wanted.
Let the Child See What Their Decision Does
Consider the tie example again. Dad asks his daughter, “Should I wear the blue tie or the red one?” She picks red. Whenever reasonable, Dad wears the red tie.
That matters. She made a decision, and something happened because of it.
Tomorrow Dad might ask, “Which coffee mug should I use?” She chooses the giant Christmas mug in July. Dad uses it. Later he asks, “Which apple should Daddy eat?” She chooses one. Dad eats it.
These aren’t tests. There isn’t necessarily a correct answer. They are little opportunities to experience decision-making without the fear of making a mistake. And they are available all day long.
Parents don’t need worksheets, flash cards, special equipment, or a scheduled lesson. Daily life provides the material. Cooking, getting dressed, cleaning, shopping, organizing, walking the dog, choosing a cup, deciding where something belongs, selecting between two foods, or figuring out which direction to walk can all become opportunities for a child to think.
The parent controls the choices. The child makes the decision.
That distinction is important. Giving a two-year-old unlimited control isn’t the goal. The adult remains responsible for the environment and determines which choices are appropriate.
Dad doesn’t ask his toddler, “What should we have for dinner?” when the possibilities include everything on Earth. He might ask, “Should Daddy make carrots or peas?” Both choices are acceptable to the parent. The decision belongs to the child.
That is a very different experience from being told what to choose.
Don’t Turn It Into a Quiz
The moment children realize there is one answer hiding in the adult’s head, the activity changes. Now they aren’t necessarily solving a problem. They may be solving the parent.
“What answer does Dad want?” “Which one will make Mom smile?” “What did my teacher tell me?” “What answer keeps me from being corrected?”
Children can become remarkably good at reading adults. That ability has value, but it isn’t the same thing as independent thinking.
Sometimes there really is a correct answer. A hot stove is dangerous. Running into traffic isn’t something we explore experimentally. Parents must remain parents. But much of daily life contains decisions that are safe to explore. Those are the opportunities we can use.
You don’t have to manufacture complicated problems. Ask simple questions. Then become interested in the child’s thinking.
“Why did you choose that?” “What do you think will happen?” “What else could Daddy do?” “Should we try it?” “What if that doesn’t work?” “Do you want to keep your answer or change your mind?”
Notice how different those questions are from: “Are you sure?” “That isn’t right.” “Try again.”
The first group opens doors. The second group can tell a child that the adult is waiting for a particular answer.
Making Decisions for Someone Else
This idea became central to the Needs Help! books I created for young children. The books deliberately remove the child from the situation.
Someone else needs help. The child isn’t being asked, “What would you do?” Instead, a character has a problem and the child gets to decide what that character could do.
The child isn’t the one who made the mistake. The child isn’t in trouble. The child isn’t being corrected. The child becomes the person examining the problem.
That is intentional.
My books provide a structured way to practice this, but parents don’t need a book in their hands every time they want to use the idea. Use Daddy. Use Mommy. Use Grandma. Use a stuffed animal. Use the family dog. Use a character from a story.
“Daddy can’t find his keys. What should he do?” “Grandma has three bags and only two hands. What could she do?” “Teddy wants to sit at the table, but every chair is taken. What should Teddy do?” “The dog brought his ball inside and it’s muddy. What should we do with it?”
Once you begin looking for these opportunities, they are everywhere.
The objective isn’t to turn every minute of childhood into an educational exercise. It should feel natural. It should feel playful. Sometimes it should be ridiculous. If the child loses interest, move on. There will be another opportunity in five minutes.
Why Practice Matters
The abilities involved in decision-making aren’t simply switches that turn on when a child reaches a certain birthday. Skills related to planning, focusing attention, remembering information, adjusting to changing circumstances, and controlling impulses develop over time.
The Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University describes executive-function and self-regulation skills as capacities that develop through experience, interaction, and practice.
There is also intriguing research on what psychologists call self-distancing—creating some psychological distance between yourself and the immediate problem.
In one experiment involving three- and five-year-olds, five-year-olds performed better on measures of executive function when researchers increased psychological distance, including asking children to take another perspective. The same improvement was not found among the three-year-olds, an important limitation when discussing very young children.
Another study involving four- and six-year-olds found that children showed greater perseverance when they approached a task from the perspective of another character rather than remaining entirely focused on themselves.
Those studies are not proof that asking a toddler which tie Daddy should wear will transform their decision-making ability. Nor should they be presented that way. But they reinforce a broader principle worth considering:
Sometimes changing the perspective changes the way a child approaches a problem.
My approach takes that idea into ordinary family life. Remove the child from the pressure of being the person under examination. Give them someone else’s manageable problem. Let them think.
What Happens When the Child Chooses Badly?
Follow it when it is safe. That may be one of the hardest parts for adults.
If your daughter chooses the ugly tie, wear the ugly tie. If she chooses the silly mug, drink from the silly mug. If she thinks Teddy should sit in a laundry basket instead of a chair, put Teddy in the laundry basket.
Let her see her decisions exist outside her head.
When the choice cannot safely or reasonably be followed, explore it instead. Ask, “What would happen if we did that?” Then resist the urge to immediately explain everything.
Give the child room. Silence can be useful. Children sometimes need more time to process a question than adults expect.
And if the answer still makes absolutely no sense? Have fun with it.
A ridiculous answer is not an emergency. It is an invitation.
Don’t Make Changing Their Mind the Goal
There is another subtle trap. A parent may proudly stop saying, “You’re wrong,” but still spend the next ten minutes carefully guiding the child until they surrender and choose the parent’s answer.
The words changed. The objective didn’t.
The goal isn’t: Get the child to arrive at my conclusion.
The goal is: Give the child practice examining a decision.
There will be times when the parent has more knowledge and needs to share it. That’s part of parenting. But whenever possible, let the child’s reasoning happen first.
Then the parent can add, “Do you want to hear what I think?”
Now the adult’s opinion becomes another idea to consider rather than the answer required for approval.
The child is still being guided. The parent has not disappeared. The roles are simply clearer.
The parent controls the environment and the available choices. The child remains in control of their own decisions and their own person.
That is what I mean when I say:
Parent in control. Child in charge.
Start With Things That Don’t Matter
Parents sometimes wait for a major problem before asking a child to think. Start with the opposite. Begin with decisions that barely matter at all.
Red tie or blue tie? Glass or mug? Apple or orange? Which book should Teddy hear? Which drawer should Daddy open first? Where should we look for Daddy’s missing shoe? What should Daddy do with his empty plate?
The stakes are tiny. That’s the point.
A child doesn’t learn to make decisions only when life presents a serious decision. They can practice the process hundreds of times while the consequences are harmless.
Over time, making a choice, considering what might happen, discovering that an idea didn’t work, trying something different, and changing one’s mind can become familiar experiences rather than frightening ones.
And that may be a much better foundation than waiting until a child faces an important decision and suddenly telling them, “Think for yourself.”
If we want children to think for themselves later, we can give them opportunities to practice now. Take them out of the problem. Give them someone else’s decision. Let them make a choice. Follow their answer when you safely can. Explore it when you can’t.
And when the answer is wonderfully, hilariously wrong, don’t rush to correct it.
You may have just been given the best thinking opportunity of the day.
