Don’t correct it later, develop it now.
Parents think control creates obedience. It does not. Control makes a child comply while the parent has enough power to force the behavior. The moment that power disappears, the obedience often disappears with it. That is not discipline.
Discipline is willful obedience. It is a child choosing appropriate behavior because the child understands and accepts it—not because someone bigger, stronger, or more powerful demanded it. Fear may control a child while you are watching, but guiding how the child’s mind develops helps create a person who can make a good decision when you are not there. We must stop trying to control our children and start guiding how their minds develop.
Think about how much of a child’s life adults control. We decide when they wake up, what they wear, what they eat, where they go, when they speak, when they must remain quiet, what they are allowed to touch, how they play, what they watch, what they learn, who they see, and when they go to bed. Then we tell them how to behave, what to think, how to feel, when to apologize, when to share, and what they are supposed to say. We make nearly every decision and call it parenting.
If an unrelated adult took you, controlled where you went, decided what you ate and wore, restricted whom you could see, and demanded obedience, we would call that person a kidnapper. When parents exercise that same level of control, we assume it is acceptable because they share DNA. Sharing DNA does not give us ownership of another person’s mind.
Yes, children need protection. They lack experience, cannot recognize many dangers, and are not prepared to make every decision. Parents have a responsibility to establish safe boundaries and necessary limitations. But protection and control are not the same thing. The parent should control the environment and establish the limits necessary to keep the child safe. The parent should not control the child inside those limits.
Parent in control. Child in charge.
The parent controls the boundaries. The child is in charge of what happens inside them. We have to let up on the reins. That does not mean abandoning the child, stepping away, or allowing the child to do anything they want. It means creating a safe area in which the child can practice deciding, thinking, choosing, and reconsidering. The parent remains present and involved, guiding how the child’s mind develops without taking it over.
The danger of the control mindset begins before a child can even speak. A baby cries. The parent feeds the baby, changes the diaper, checks the temperature, holds the baby, and tends to every need they can identify. But the baby continues to cry. The parent becomes frustrated because nothing is making the baby stop.
The baby is not misbehaving. The baby is not refusing to obey. Crying is not an attack on the parent’s authority. The baby may not even know why they are crying. Still, some caregivers become so focused on controlling the crying that they shake the baby in an attempt to make it stop. Babies have been permanently injured and killed because an adult became desperate to control behavior that could not be controlled.
That is the control mindset at its most dangerous: “You must stop because I need you to stop.”
The same mindset continues as the child grows. We say, “Stop crying,” “Stop asking questions,” “Sit still,” “Do what I told you,” “Because I said so,” and “Don’t argue with me.” Parents treat resistance as a challenge to their authority instead of recognizing that the child is trying to develop ownership of their own mind.
You cannot control another human being’s mind. Stop trying. You may frighten a child into silence. You may punish a child until they comply. You may make resistance so painful that the child gives up in front of you. But you have not created discipline. You have created fear, secrecy, resentment, dependence, or rebellion.
Eventually, the child becomes too old, too strong, too independent, or too far away for the parent’s control to work. If appropriate behavior always belonged to the parent, rejecting that behavior becomes one way for the child to reject the parent. We helped create the rebellion by making childhood a constant battle over who owns the child’s mind.
We expect teenagers to make good decisions after spending their entire childhood making nearly every decision for them. We suddenly expect them to choose good friends, resist pressure, recognize danger, manage their emotions, understand consequences, behave responsibly, and know right from wrong. Where were they supposed to learn how?
Decision-making is not a switch that turns on at thirteen. It is a mental ability that must be exercised from the beginning and strengthened throughout childhood. Start with small, limited choices. Do not ask, “What shirt do you want?” The child does not need unlimited control of the closet. Ask, “Would you like the red shirt or the blue shirt?” The parent has already selected two safe and acceptable choices. The child makes the final decision.
Ask, “Would you like apples or grapes?” “Would you like to read this book or that book?” “Would you like to clean up the blocks first or the crayons?” The limitations are the control part. The decision belongs to the child. As the child develops better judgment, the parent can safely expand the available choices. Freedom grows with the child’s ability to use it.
Children should also be allowed to participate when the parent says no. In my home, when I said no, the child had one opportunity to change my mind. They could tell me why the answer should be different, provide information I may not have considered, or offer a reasonable alternative. I would listen, reconsider, and explain why the answer was still no when an explanation was appropriate. Sometimes they did convince me, and I changed my mind.
After that one opportunity, my decision became unchangeable. Asking again would not change the answer. This prevented the child from asking the same question a thousand times while still giving them real participation in the decision. They were not powerless. They knew they would be heard and had one opportunity to influence the outcome.
Sometimes the answer must remain no, even without an explanation. A parent may not have time to explain, the child may not yet be capable of understanding the reason, or the decision may involve an immediate safety issue. But even then, the child had some control over the process. They were allowed to speak, make their case, and possibly change the decision. The parent still controlled the limit, but the child was not treated as though their thoughts had no value.
Parents also constantly tell children how to behave: “Be nice,” “Share,” “Say you’re sorry,” and “Don’t be selfish.” That may produce the words and behavior the parent wants in that moment, but it does not mean the child understands kindness, fairness, empathy, or responsibility. A forced apology teaches a child how to satisfy an adult. It does not necessarily teach regret or empathy.
Instead of telling children how they should behave, first let them decide how someone else should behave. You might say, “Johnny is going to the store with his mother. Should he stay near her, help her find things, and remain quiet while she speaks with the sales clerk? Or should he run through the store screaming, touch everything, ask for everything he sees, and cry when he does not get it?”
Let the child select the appropriate behavior. The decision is not about them, so they do not feel accused, corrected, or controlled. They can examine the situation from a safe distance and decide what they believe is right. Most children will naturally choose the kind, reasonable, socially acceptable behavior. They already possess the beginnings of empathy and fairness. We need to give them opportunities to use those abilities instead of constantly handing them our answers.
If the child selects something unkind or inappropriate, do not announce that they are wrong. Discuss it and play it out. Ask what they think would happen next, how the other person might respond, and what might happen if everyone made that choice. After seeing where the decision leads, ask whether they still like their choice.
You are not forcing the child toward your answer. You are helping them examine the answer they selected. That is how you guide the development of their thinking without controlling what they think.
This is exactly why I created the Needs Help! series. The books give young children opportunities to make decisions before the situation becomes about them. A character needs help, and the child is given choices. Some choices are practical. Some are silly. Some may create new problems. The child selects.
The parent does not point out the correct answer. The parent allows the child to think, choose, discuss the result, and reconsider if necessary. The process is important, not the answer.
When children decide how Johnny, Jenny, Mateo, Mariah, Chloe, Sofia, Siena, or Todd should behave, they are safely building their own understanding of acceptable behavior. They are deciding what kindness means, what fairness means, and how someone should respond to another person’s needs. They are practicing judgment without being personally accused of doing something wrong.
Later, when a similar situation involves the child, the parent does not have to begin with a command or threat. The parent can remind the child of a decision they already made for someone else: “Do you remember what you decided Johnny should do at the store?”
Now the lesson belongs to the child. The parent did not impose the behavior. The child previously identified it as appropriate.
Before entering a store, the parent can take the next step: “We are going to the store. What do you consider appropriate behavior? Staying near me, helping me find things, and not interrupting while I speak with the sales clerk? Or running up and down the aisles, screaming, touching everything, asking for everything, and crying when you do not get it?”
The mother can include herself in the same process by asking, “How should I behave in the store? Should I yell and scream at people, knock things off the shelves, and run through the aisles? Or should I go through the store peacefully and treat people respectfully?”
Now the child is not only deciding how they should behave. The child is also telling the mother how she should behave. Appropriate behavior is no longer a rule flowing in only one direction—from the powerful person to the less powerful person. Both people have behavior to consider, and the child participates in identifying what is right for each of them.
If the child deliberately selects the ridiculous behavior, do not turn it into a fight. Do not lecture them or take the decision away. Simply say, “Well, I think you know what you should do.”
They do know.
If the child begins to act up in the store, address it at the first sign. Do not ignore the behavior while becoming increasingly angry and then explode when you can no longer tolerate it. Calmly say, “You told me how you should behave. Are you following your own orders?”
You are not telling the child what to do. You are referring them back to the behavior they selected for themselves. Ask why they are having difficulty following their decision. Discuss what happened, and then ask, “Can you go back to behaving the way you chose?”
This is self-discipline. The child is not obeying an order created by the parent. The child is learning to follow the standard they selected for themselves.
If the child continues to misbehave, explain that you will no longer take them to the store until they can demonstrate that they understand how to behave there. This is not a punishment invented to frighten the child into obedience. It is a necessary limit. The child is showing that they are not yet prepared to handle the freedom of going to the store, so that freedom must wait until they are ready.
Do not say, “If you behave, I will give you a reward.” That turns appropriate behavior into something the parent must purchase from the child. It teaches the child to behave only when the payment is good enough.
Do not mention or promise a reward beforehand. When the child behaves appropriately, you may surprise them with a reward afterward. The reward recognizes the child’s self-discipline. It was not used to purchase the behavior.
If the child does not behave, there was no promised reward to lose. Nothing was taken away from them. Their attention remains on their behavior instead of shifting to something they believe the parent withheld.
The parent has established the safe boundaries. The child remains in charge of selecting the appropriate behavior and then learning to live by that choice. The goal is not to raise a child who obeys you forever. Your authority has an expiration date. The goal is to help develop a person who can direct their own mind when you are no longer standing beside them.
That requires parents to give up the belief that good parenting means controlling the child. Good parenting means creating a safe environment, establishing necessary limitations, offering manageable choices, and helping the child examine the results.
Do not take over every decision. Do not supply every answer. Do not confuse fear with respect, forced compliance with discipline, or control with guidance. Allow the child to create their own way of being, with the parent guiding how that ability develops rather than controlling the child’s thoughts.
The parent controls the environment. The parent establishes the necessary limits. The child is in charge of selecting what is right.
That is how appropriate behavior stops being something the parent demands and becomes part of the person the child is developing into.
Stop controlling your child. Start guiding how their mind develops.
—Anthony Tiberio, Professor ANT
Creator of Discovering Awareness and the Needs Help! series
Try it with a Professor ANT book. Every book hands your child a funny question, then lets them figure it out. See all Professor ANT books →
